As we got closer to the ships gangway I began to feel flutterings of panic, I couldn't explain these feelings or begin to justify them. I put it down to my comfort zone theory and kept walking.
After boarding the boat, I had a kind of memory that kept haunting me. I felt as if I was losing everything and everyone, that I was being abandoned, rather than me being the one who was leaving voluntarily. From our room I could see the harbour outside and I kept looking out towards it to reassure myself. I knew it wasn't too late, I could leave if I really wanted to while we were still docked there.
After going on a tour of the ship I went back to the room, feelings of panic flooding me. I couldn't squash the enotions and I felt like a child again. I just wanted to get off, to go back to my loved ones, I didn't want to be separated from them forever...Forever? Where did that word come from?!
As we sat on one f the top decks I looked out and saw we were moving. I frantically sent text messages to everyone telling them I loved them and oops! I wasn't sure if I should be doing this at all.
I wanted to cry. I felt so alone in the world. It was almost as if I was being exiled. It didn't matter what I did to distract myself, I couldn't shake this feeling of abandonment, desolation and even guilt. What the hell was going on here?
Later that night I was lying in my bed and I had a vision. I was an eight year old boy named William, sitting under a bunk bed. I was scared, hurt and hiding.
I looked over to the other bed in the cabin and a young girl with blonde hair was crying, her face swollen with tears and bruising. 'Why didn't you save me Willie?' I was racked with guilt as I looked at my younger sister, so sad and hurt. It was my duty to protect her and I had failed. I didn't know how and I didn't know why, but I knew with every cell of my being it was my fault.
I knew instantly this was a past life experience, sure it wasn't on this ship, but I knew it had happened somewhere, sometime.
As I acknowledged what was happening and the feelings I was experiencing the vision disappeared and I fell asleep. I wasn't as stressed as I had been because I now knew why I had been so reluctant to board. Its funny how past lvfes can have a bearing on our present life experiences.
A couple of days later a fellow passenger was telling me about a movie that had been playing that day. It was called Sunshine and Oranges and was about the children who were shipped from England to Australia in the 1950s and 1960s after being told they were orphans. They were horribly abused and forced into slave labour when they arrived in Australia. I'd never heard of this movie or this story but suddenly it was as if a light went off in my head. Everything that happened yesterday now made perfect sense. I acknowledged the pain of that lifetime and released it. The vision never returned and those feelings of abandonment, dread and guilt disappeared.
So next time you have an irrational emotion surrounding an event or about a person, perhaps it isn't so much an instant aversion, maybe, just maybe, your soul is remembering an event that happened long ago. Wouldn't it be nice to be in touch with that side of you, what you learnt and why you dragged it with you, like excess baggage into this lifetime?